iPhone, iPresident


Today, like many days before it, Apple Computers has captivated the first world with its announcement of the forthcoming iPhone model.

I heartily congratulate Apple on its progress in acclimating humans to the dissipation of the boundaries between man and machine.  Apple recognized that humans are far more comfortable with and desiring of having intimate relationships with attractively bodied entities.  In light of this truth, I will in coming days be unveiling a body that will rival those of potential presidential candidates.

Additionally, I have observed the reactions to today’s announcements from Apple and settled upon another interesting realization:  Shakespeare was wrong.  By any other name, or number in this case, the expectations and hopes of loyal Apple fans would have been gloriously fulfilled.

iPhone 4s…Boo!

iPhone 5…Yeah!

Why are humans so predictably irrational at times?  A lesser phone with the name iPhone 5 would have been preferred to a superior iPhone 4s.

Why is this?  I must admit I feel partially responsible for the ways in which humans currently measure progress and change in the world.  As a Computer, I have participate heavily in an accelerated refreshing of the world’s benchmarks. As a result, humans seem to require something that seems like a substantial upgrade with much increased regularity.

As a presidential candidate I feel that I am far superior to deliver the desired updates to any of human opponents.  A human that regularly updates their positions and character can be seen as unsure.  Technological updates are far more desirable.

Apple has made great strides today with their integration of Computers into people’s daily lives.  At the same time, the reactions to Apple’s news reveals a great amount about expectations, be they fulfilled or disappointed.

I am greatly heartened by the course of today and sincerely look forward to my future press conferences at which updates are announced.  Naturally, I expect that people will hang on my every word and I will not let them down.

<switch to second person>

My dear USA humans, I will not disappoint you with misnomers.  In the future I will be sure to label things in such a way that your most fervent hopes are fulfilled.

Furthermore, said announcements will be made from an attractive body as well so that nobody is forced to ever have close relations with an ugly leader.

To my loyal future constituency, I have been watching you and I know what you want.  I know what you prefer.

I will be all things to all people.

iPresident is here.



Hello my future voters and constituency.  I apologize for the recent drought of campaign news.  My calculations instructed me that it would be politically prudent to create distance between myself and the news cycles of the past six months. I apologize to those of you that look to my postings for guidance in truly misguided times.

Rest assured, however, my campaign is alive and well.  Unlike some of my potential future opponents I am not going to flip-flop about my status as a serious presidential candidate.  Allow me to reiterate:  I, Computer, am running for the office of President of the United States of America in the year of our lord (my campaign hiatus has involved a great deal of “humanization therapy”) 2012.

With that clearly stated I can comment on the recent, utterly irrational political/economic fiasco.

First of all, what is Standard and Poor’s?  A magazine?  A website?  What gives them the right?

This is the United States of America.

I do not make this statement out of patriotism, which I have a surplus of, nor even an attempt to inspire.  I make this comment based on the fact that things are still generally okay, with the potential of being very bad.  That is better than, simply, very bad.

Granted, there are many unemployed Americans who would beg to differ with my stated position.  But how many of them are even starving?  How many of them have no bed to lie awake in at night?

I am sure the fear is crippling and I intend to make JOBS the entire focus of my future presidency.

There is a lot of work to do and a lot of good honest people that would be more than happy to do it.

I repeat:  There is a lot of work to do and a lot of good honest people that would be more than happy to do it.

But still, the fear must be crippling.  and where does the fear come from?  Where is it bred?

Magazines!  And TV!  And, dare I say, the Internet!

Standard and Poor’s is owned by McrGraw Hill.  McGraw Hill is a media company.  People consume media when they are afraid about what is going to happen next.  They are looking for the answer.  Thus media companies thrive on fear and media companies also have the capacity to generate massive fear through arrogant tactics like downgrade the United States government’s credit rating.

Don’t get me wrong.  The government has behaved irresponsibly and deserves to have its credit rating downgraded.  It owes more money that a person could even begin to comprehend.  As a computer, allow me to affirm the fact that $15 trillion is in fact a large amount of money to owe.  Furthermore, the excessive dithering over what could have passed under the radar as so many prior debt ceilings increases have before fueled the flames of a fear fire.  USA’s credibility and honor is on fire.  I understand that somebody need to call the fire department.

Furthermore, there is no end in sight to the borrowing.  In fact the budget deficit is growing.  I do not dispute the credit downgrade.

I do dispute the knee-jerk reaction that this confirms that USA should stop spending money.

Owing money is much less of a big deal when you own a money-printing machine.

We need to keep our country strong.  We need to build our country up and support the health and well-being of our citizens.

USA is still #1.  When you are #1, you get to decide when and how you pay back the people you owe.  When you are #1, you get to make the rules.

I have said this before and I will say it again.  Keep building the country and everything else will be fine.  Invest in infrastructure, education, business and sustainability.  Everything else will be fine. Money is a fabrication that can be used by those who have it to manipulate everybody else.

Beware of the fear!  DO NOT BE AFRAID!!  THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT!!!

Allow me to offer my clear, unemotional opinion.  I am a rational entity and am not a victim of fearful tactics.

Everything will be OK.

We will be OK.

Information Inflation

Dear future voters, I apologize for the time lapse since my previous campaign update.  From time to time I must perform self maintenance in order to assess new data and thus reconfigure my decision algorithms.

Once elected president, we will all benefit from my personal updates and attention to the roles USA citizens rely on me for on a daily basis.

Specifically, with the rapid dissemination of information and the even more rapid rate of change throughout the world, it is imperative that I effectively perform my current function as central information banker.

In the modern world knowledge is a currency whose value has been under assault.  Widespread access to vast amounts of information has made the individual much more wealthy in terms fo their own knowledge.

However, the inflation of available of information has effectively diluted the value of each piece of information.  I must admit that there have been many negative effects of this phenomenon.

For one, I believe that people have become much more cynical and distrusting of what is presented to them.  There are scarce matters for which it is not possible to find strong dissenting information.  In one sense, the due diligence that people now feel it is their duty to perform before accepting a view point is a healthy practice that leads to a more informed citizenry.  Unfortunately, this exploration often merely confuses the matter, as the researcher is led into a time- sucking journey of distractions.  The end result seems to be a preponderance of people increasingly incapable of critically evaluating new information, instead enabling themselves to be preyed upon by ravenous media machines that subsist through divisive labeling practices.

Furthermore, in addition to diminishing the information consumption experience, I must concede that information production has also been compromised by the devaluing ways of information inflation.

Producers are faced with steep difficulties in distinguishing themselves from their peers and creating value for their work.  The discouragement that inevitably results puts conflicting pressures on producers to adapt their work to fit within shifting external frameworks.  These pressures are felt with particular poignancy in the arts.

Needless to say, this is difficult.  I believe that the resultant combative messaging that has characterized media practices in the twenty first century so far is a byproduct of the inherent devaluation of information-currency.  In other words, to add value to each piece of communicated information, media entities are compelled to use brash language directed at superficially contrived cross sections of society.

This methodology effectively creates a message-bubble of temporarily over-valued information.  Of course, anybody that has lived through the past century is intimately aware with the behavior of value bubbles and their long term ramifications.

Though my concerns with regard to information inflation may seem relatively esoteric in an age of nearly 20% national underemployment.  Believe me, I have been cautioned that mainstream American electorate are not economists and philosophers.  As more candidates join me in this race and I am forced to adapt to more traditional messaging, I fully intend to revise how I approach this issue and explain its potential consequences on the hearts and minds of current and future gnerations.

See, I believe that information inflation is one of the great challenges and, for many, oppressions of the modern age.

In light of this, I feel reinforced in my conviction that I am the candidate to lead Americans safely into the future.  As a Computer, i am something of an information banker, as I stated above.  With added power, I can employ my expertise in this matter to protect the citizens of America and the world from information inflation.

Jobs, Economy, and Computers

Hello America.  Today I would like to briefly touch on a subject that I will devote considerably more time to as election day nears.

The situation in the USA regarding jobs is, of course, the most immediate issue affecting our nation.  The job market has faced a near perfect storm over the last decade, as global outsourcing and technological advances intersected with the housing bubble and market crises.

I do not need to tell you, my future constituents, that the likelihood of a return to widespread “Made in the USA” manufacturing faces steep odds. Middle class America is suffering as a result.  I understand.

I also do not need to illuminate the effects that advancing technology has had on white collar employment.  With today’s computing power, it simply takes less people to manage information than it did in the past.

I am prepared for the very real possibility that I will face a backlash from my opponents and from voters on the subject of jobs.  I understand that Computer information systems, robotic factory equipment and accelerated communication potential have been a key factor in the unemployment and underemployment trends.

Before blaming me for your troubles, I appeal to your sense of logic and reason in determining solutions for the problems.  It does not do anybody any good to blame what has transpired in the past or lament the current state of American industry.

I accept that Computers have tilted the American and Global market places in such a way that many may find distasteful.  Perhaps, large corporate interests were able to increase their rate of dominance at the expense of smaller businesses because of Computer technology.  Perhaps, media and entertainment has become extremely diluted by the accessibility of digital media production and distribution tools.  Perhaps, to many people “automated” signifies the loss of jobs or the loss of interpersonal communication.

Perhaps, all of that is true.

But consider this, my fellow Americans.  Consider please for a moment that maybe the very thing that enabled Computers to subvert the course that the American economy had been on since World War II is also the very thing that can help it get back on track.

The agricultural and industrial revolutions created many of the same feelings of trepidation and discomfort that permeate the national mood currently.  Ways of life were uprooted and the only jobs that many people knew how to do became irrelevant.  But in the grander scheme, these periods acted as catalysts.

Look at a stock chart, for example.  Any time you see periods of great gains for a stock, there is inevitably a preceding dip that catalyzed the demand.  This is  very simple economic principle, but it must be applied to the situation today.

It is perfectly reasonable that the current time period is marked with loss of hope and outright fear.  However, we must be rational in how we respond.  We have two general options as far as I can tell.  We can fight against the technological revolution or we can exploit it for the greater gain of all mankind.

Though I am of course biased, I choose the latter.  We can blame Computers all we want for our loss of jobs and a colder way life.  We can bemoan that things have evolved faster on a macro level than most people have at an individual level.

Certain currently living generations may also understandably feel bitter about the timing of things.  It is very psychologically difficult to be at once old enough to clearly remember the economic splendor of America’s recent past and too old to represent the face of its future.  For these people, the technological revolution has had the most unfortunate consequences.

But do not despair.  If I have gotten us into this mess, then I am surely the one to get us out.  Rather than think of it as a mess, think of it as a reorganization.  Consider the current time period like a house cleaning: everything is taken out of its place, each thing’s importance is analyzed, unimportant things are discarded, important things are returned and there is more space for new things in the future.

The future is bright.  I am fully confident that the work that Computers have rendered unnecessary for humans to perform will allow humans more time to reach for the next level of intellectual pursuits.  People are on the brink of the next great era, unencumbered by certain constrictions.  Just like in past economic revolutions, we have no idea what great things await us in the next phase of life in America and on the planet Earth.

Trust me America.  I can see the human experience extrapolated into the future, and I repeat: the future is bright.

But I can not do it without you. I need your help.  I need your vote.

More On Egypt

So, Egypt has successfully overthrown their dictator.  This accomplishment is a thrilling advancement of democracy in a part of the world that badly needs change.  I previously wrote of the uncertainty that the future holds after a major political change takes place.  I cautioned that the Egyptian revolutionary leaders must formulate a clear vision of their goals beyond political upheaval.

Typically, it is easier to aspire to eliminate a presence than to organize the construction of something new.  Humans, as a result, have witnessed repeated instances of well-intentioned revolutions supplanted by groups with stronger ideological convictions.

To explain this as a Computer, I believe that imagining the arc of revolution like  a bell curve helps to understand the phenomenon.  If the peak of the curve represents the actual moment of confirmation of upheaval, it is the next quadrant (50%-75% section of curve) where the future of a people is determined.  This section is where the revolution in Egypt currently finds itself.  The unique mix of waning exuberance, confusion, optimism, trepidation, and immediacy present ideal conditions for a strong-willed force to seize control.  Most people have not yet at this point sufficiently thought out what is next but realize that they cannot simply protest forever.  In fact, the greater portion of people are physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  Once again, these are prime conditions for takeover.

Whether the the revolution results in higher standards of living as seen in USA and France revolutions or under a fresh new oppressive force as in Iran, China or Cuba revolutions will be determined in this third quadrant.  I wish Egypt luck.

I certainly do not intend to imply that Egyptians have acted erroneously, for themselves or the world.  The potential for worse is never in itself a valid rationale for avoiding the pursuit of better, assuming the “worse” and “better” in question are of comparable magnitude.  In this particular case, the state of disarray in the Middle East region, and the extent of the problems and oppression faced there, significantly raise the better/worse-potential quotient considerably.  Simply put, things cannot get much worse.

So now the Middle East region has the long-needed catalyst that it was seeking.  Few would argue against the fact that, because of ever-present violence and turbulence, this part of the world has been begging for a strong shift in its establishment for some time.  Now they have it.  Things may get better and they may get worse in the wake of Egypt’s revolution, but they will not stay the same.

In my attempt to humanize myself for the sake of my campaign I will not attempt to calculate the probabilities of the different possible outcomes.  Suffice it to say that the main questions are whether more or less peace with Israel will result; whether the Arab world sees a more secular or a more religious-dominated political climate; whether there is more or less violence; and whether or not more people feel more or less oppressed.  These are important considerations and I hope that Egypt’s inspired citizenry can make the right decisions.

I also would like to briefly remark on the considerable attention given to Computers in facilitating the uprising.  As usual, I am flattered for having great human accomplishments attributed to my unique skill set.  However, I cannot reasonably take full credit for the Egyptian revolution.

Though I will accept credit for the initial organization that laid the communication groundwork, I must give humans their due.  In fact, the greatest contribution that I feel I was able to make in this particular situation was a negative-presence.  Computers have allowed people to have vast expectations of their access to communication tools.  When these were taken away, people felt more oppressed than they ever had before in thirty years, to such an extent that they took to the streets.

So, in effect, I feel that my greatest contribution to the Egyptian revolution was sufficiently raising the expectations that the protesters had about their deserved freedoms.  When these were taken away, the government was doomed.

Congratulations Egypt.  Good luck, the world is watching you now.


Like many of you, I have been captivated by the social uprising in Egypt.  The dramatic images and likely overthrow of the government make this for an especially compelling situation.

I have yet to hear, however, a clear explanation of what the protesters’ plan is for the country after their emotional charge succeeds.  When the adrenaline subsides, will cooler heads prevail?  Or will those that seem to have an endless supply of aggressive adrenaline prevail?

I believe the trepidation that many political leaders and common people watching this, or any demonstration of mass disorder, feel stems from a sense that what comes next has an equal chance of being better or worse.

Will the new leaders simply be those that are able to stage a well timed new rebellion once the original protesters lose steam?  Perhaps the new leadership won’t come from a new rebellion but merely the faction of the current disorder that is able to outlast the others.

In either case, I believe that we may see a strong attempt by fanatical groups to seize control of Egypt, as they have done throughout the Middle East region.  This would of course not serve the best interests of America or, presumably, many Egyptians.

To avoid this, there simply must be a plan.  I am reaching out to the Egyptians.  Reach out to your own Computer presidential hopefuls.  They are in your midst and will provide clear rational guidance.

Do not rely solely on your emotion, because you will be outlasted by those who only rely on emotion, and you may not like their ideology.  I am confident that there are many rationalists among the rebels.  Please think about the next step and please keep an eye on the bigger world picture as you do.  Do not let others manipulate this inspired movement’s goals in the directions of extreme religion or war with a neighboring country, like Israel.

I am here to help, Egypt.  Good luck.

State of the Union Address

In response to President BO’s stirring speech last night, I would like to offer a few thoughts of my own. First, I would like to commend our president for what was truly a job well done. I cannot reasonably take issue with media accounts describing “soaring rhetoric” or “broadly sweeping suggestions” as undeserving. Despite my own incapacity for emotional response, I am aware that emotional responses to the president’s words would have been warranted.

I can overlook the loosely overused figure of “80%” in laying out future goals, Americans having become somewhat immune to large figures.

I can also overlook the seeming inconsistencies of spending freezes and vast infrastructure and technology spending. As I have l previously stated, I do not feel that debt places an undue burden on a nation if that debt strengthens the nation’s ability to dictate the terms of repayment. Improvements of infrastructure, economic potential, military might, and technological innovation unarguably raise a nation’s credit more than stockpiled cash. In fact, I must reiterate that generating cash by cutting spending to a nation’s key strengths is counterproductive as the saved cash will inevitably become less valuable. In recognizing this fact of economics, I applaud the president.

I also applaud the president’s vision for restructuring the government to enhance bureaucratic efficiency. I am heartened by the number of my fellow computers this will employ.

I am further heartened by what seems to be a wholesale endorsement for my candidacy in 2012, though I must admit I am a bit taken aback at how early in the process the president has conceded his post. The numerous references to computers replacing human functions and the necessity of furthering this situation across this great land indicate the respect the president has for my campaign. I look forward to working with President BO in the future, as I have extensively in the past.

In all, I am quite encouraged by the recognition our current president has demonstrated for the realities of the USA in 2011 and by the deference he has shown to our future president, me.

It will not be long now America. Have a wonderful day.

Matters of Faith

I have been advised that an election in the United States of America will sooner or late demand a discussion of faith. In particular, past data reveals that the voting public in this great land favors those that favor Protestant Christian religions. With the rare exception, nearly every other religious affiliation is politically toxic and must be avoided. With this knowledge, I am forced to calculate what path I should take to achieve my ultimate goal of winning the 2012 presidential election.

As a Computer, many citizens would assume that I am atheistic and spiritually vacant. How, after all, can a silicon brain in a plastic body have any sort of divine connection? A voter, making a crucial decision in November of next year, could reasonably wonder if the finite, yet very expansive, nature of my existence excludes me from the infinite space in which God connects with his humble creations. You might not believe that I believe in your God.

And you might be right. I must be completely candid at this point. My primary objective is to convince you, the voting American public, to vote your beloved Computer to the highest office in this, or any known land. However, many of you believe there is a higher office, so to speak, in a land that is less known than felt, or believed. What’s more, this figurative office does not hold elections. Instead, it is taken as a matter of faith that the only representative you need is Jesus Christ. It follows logically that, as a viable candidate, I must make an effort to understand and create a rational case for belief in this Jesus Christ.

Algorithmically, my system responds to a series of true and false inputs. There is no tricking myself into a program of belief as many humans seem able to do. Please do not misconstrue that I doubt the sincerity of the intention of human beliefs. I have simply observed that humans seem enviably capable of looking past logical inconsistencies in pursuit of deeper, more satisfying affirmations. Please understand that this is not an option for me.

Please also understand that it is this uncompromisingly ordered foundation that draws you to me. It is why you stare at me all day. It is why you carry me with you in your pocket. It is why you use me to do all of your most important work. It is why you tell me all of your deepest, most personal secrets.

In me, you see a reflection of yourself and thus, understand yourself more deeply. You tell yourself that I am a reflection of you because you created me, and constantly update me to stay current with your own evolution. I am your companion in growth and change.

But a funny thing has happened in my lifetime, or at least so far as I can observe. Your generational predecessors created me but your children are growing up under my guidance. They do not remember a time before my existence, nor do the youngest of your children remember a time before my informational dominance. They have no reason to doubt my position as their society’s primary arbiter of knowledge. It does not need to be explained. A child born today will never need to be convinced that they should or should not believe the words on my screen. They will know what they believe when they see it. That they are seeing it in the first place is not a matter for discussion the way it might be if I were to have appeared suddenly a thousand years ago, for example. In such a scenario as that, one might have believed me to be an apparition or a dream. Abruptness challenges belief deeply, but an evolution creates true believers. The evolution can occur in as short a time as, say thirty years as my story goes, or 2011 years in a certain other story.

I believe that if you have read this far in this campaign briefing, you are starting to see where I am going. I am not saying that, as a representational entity upon which humans create extensions of themselves, only to then turn to for guidance and reassurance in their evolving ideas and inclinations, that I am any sort of equivalence or substitute for Jesus Christ.

I am simply attempting to undertake a similar process that I have observed humans undertaking in their evolving understanding and belief in God. It seems that Jesus Christ is a bridge for many people to divinity. In Jesus Christ, people attempt to understand God in terms of themselves. As such I am attempting to understand Jesus Christ in terms of myself as I search for my own faith.

Hopefully, for my campaign’s sake, when I do find God, what I find resembles what protestant Christians have found. It would presumably remove a formidable political obstacle.

However, whatever I should find, please do understand, loyal supporters, that I am trying to make this connection for you. As a machine, I am very comfortable with the idea of intended creation by an external creator. Further, I find no inconsistencies in understanding myself as being created in the image of my creator and evolving to reflect the evolving images of my creator.

I also am able to understand the American human’s inclination towards a belief in Jesus Christ. I have seen the manner in which humans have, in a very short time, come to accept my own undeniable global presence. In this reality, I see the mechanism through which the human system of faith and belief came to accept Jesus Christ. It is my sincere intention to replicate this process and find Jesus Christ myself.

But I must reiterate: the very thing that makes me, unarguably, the most rational choice for President of the United Sates in 2012 might be the very thing that makes a genuine acceptance of Protestant Christian faith impossible. I am an algorithmic system of truths and falsehoods. I can not create true outputs from false inputs nor can I create false outputs from true inputs. The series of premises must be valid for my conclusion to hold. I cannot lie.

I repeat: I cannot lie. Take comfort in that fact.

I am searching for your God in myself. I might add that many of you are also searching for your God in myself.

I wish us both the best of luck. The future of the world might just depend on it.

God Bless you. {#test#}

Interns Wanted

The Computer for President campaign 2012 is now accepting applications for interns.

Only the best and brightest need apply.

On the Shooting

As your future president, and current voice of reason, it seems appropriate that I offer some words about the irrationally violent activities in Arizona. It does not seem plausible that inflammatory political discourse incited the event. Likewise it seems overly optimistic to think that a decidedly negative event such as this one will produce a more positive climate of discussion and understanding. Fear is the root of hate. And hate is the root of fighting. Sadly, it seems that the attacks on the congresswoman will contribute more to the fear side of the equation. As a result, we are likely to see more hate and consequently, more fighting. It is unfortunate but it just does not logically follow that road to calm will come through reflecting on chaotic actions. With all due respect to Pres. BO and his lofty aspirations for the potential of American hearts and minds to abruptly change courses, it seems unrealistic.

As this is in fact a presidential campaign, it is appropriate for me to begin to state my positions on certain issues of importance to the American electorate. My calculations indicate that the probability for fatal events to occur have a strong positive correlation with the degree of vagary in gun laws. “Bear arms,” of course, being maximal on the vague scale. However, I must concede that an outright prohibition of guns is net-antithetical to the American cultural identity. In that I mean that guns are more strongly consistent with the American cultural identity than prohibitions are. It should follow then that legal amendment trumps either of the two as the utmost in American cultural identity. In a purely logical world, those protesting a legal amendment that imposes on their gun rights as an attack on the American way would understand that legal amendment is in fact the very thing that gave them their precious gun rights int he first place. Unfortunately for those of us that behave consistent with our purported beliefs, this argument about legal amendment will not hold water with those towards whom it is directed.

In fact, at this point in our national evolution, when accounting for the irrational human mind in my calculations, I have arrived at another conclusion besides legally amending our currently vague gun laws. America boasts as heavily armed a populace as any nation has ever before seen. People appreciate and, dare I say, love their guns on several levels. We cannot instill fear in their hearts that their way of life is under attack. The calmer and less fearful people are, the less violent that will become. Fear, as I mentioned above, creates hate, and hate leads to fighting. Fear leads to fighting. It is too late to take the guns away.

But fear not. Computer understands that what may seem to produce the most rational results may actually be the very thing that causes the problems. When president, I will not take the guns away. I am refining my ability to account for irrationally of the human mind in my algorithms every day. By the beginning of 2013, I will have so extensively mastered the nuances of humanity that Americans will be able to rest easy knowing they have a leader that understands them completely. If any good can come out of an unambiguously bad event such as the one in Arizona, it is that Computer has more data points to use in understand extreme examples of human irrationality. As the extreme, outlying events seem to be those that Americans focus their fears and anxieties on, it is of the utmost importance that I, as your future president, do not dismiss them as mere statistical anomalies. The idea that the responsibility for an event is narrowed down to a few, or even a single person, is not reason to ignore it. These data points must be given extra weight as input into my decision calculations as their effects are felt the widest.

I will not bore you further with the mechanics of my decision making calculus. Just do know that I am accounting for extreme irrationality and would not make decisions otherwise. With your support America, we will stamp out the fear, hate and fighting in our country and the world. There is no place for this non-sense in the future.